Chapter 3 of U Murder U (Suicide)

Neil R.T. Williams crossed then uncrossed his legs as he waited to be called into Dr Lincoln’s office. He was early and had expected that being the celebrity he was the doctor would see him when he arrived but to his annoyance he had been told he would have to wait as the doctor was with another client. Patience was not a virtue that Neil was familiar with. He considered himself a go-getter, a man who made things happen quickly – very un-akin to being patient. He took a deep breath as he lifted his right leg and let his ankle rest against his left knee. His right foot tapped nervously against his left knee like a woodpecker on a new branch.

The door opened and a pretty, young, red-haired lady came out with a notepad in her hand. Neil’s foot froze mid tap, he openly stared at her, as he did all pretty women. She blushed, she immediately recognised him. She had seen him in several movies and TV dramas.

“Mr Williams, Dr Lincoln will see you now. I apologise that you had to wait but as I said on the phone when you called this morning, Dr Lincoln had a client who he couldn’t reschedule.”

“I haven’t seen you here before, have you just started working here?”

“I don’t work here I’m just helping my uncle out and getting some practical patient work experience for my MSc degree in Psychology.”

“Your uncle?”

“Dr Lincoln is my mother’s brother.”

“Oh.”

“He’ll see you now, Sir.”

Neil stood up and strode towards her. He stopped in front of her, produced a dazzling ‘TV’ smile and tilted his head seductively to one side. “Will you be here when I’m done?”

“No, I won’t Sir.”

“That’s a real shame. What did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t say.”

“No, you didn’t did you, so what’s your name?”

“It’s Gennifer, with a G.”

“Genny with a G,” he said, his voice low, teasing, almost seductively musical.

Embarrassed she coughed, “You can go through now Sir; Dr Lincoln is waiting in his office.”

“Thank you Genny with a G,” he said and headed towards the doctor’s office.

Neil walked into Dr Lincoln’s plush office. The doctor rose from behind his mahogany desk, walked towards Neil and welcomed him. They shook hands then both sat down facing each other. Dr Lincoln sat in his soft, dark brown leather armchair which his wife had bought for him as a graduation present fifteen years ago. He had moved offices three times, each time an upgrade and each time his armchair had been the first thing to be packed from the old office and the first thing settled within the new office; the rest of the furniture was always comfortably tossed around it. Neil sat in the leather two-seater and crossed his legs. He paid no attention to the art deco or beautiful view of the river Thames which the large windows afforded. His eyes stared blankly at the cream coloured wall opposite him.

Dr Lincoln picked up a pen and notepad, “Neil, let’s talk about you and what’s going on with you. Why did you want this extra session today?”

Neil’s thoughts left Genny with a G and wandered along empty corridors in his mind until it came back to the reason he was here. He took a deep breath then exhaled as sadness engulfed him. He suddenly sat forward in one fluid movement and appeared to be about to launch into dialogue but said nothing.

“Neil?”

Neil stared at Dr. Lincoln blankly.

“Neil, what happened?”

“I had a date with Clarissa yesterday and we talked about some of the things that happened in the past. She said some things last night that really shook me up.” He paused and studied his hands. Moments passed.

“What did she say Neil?” Dr Lincoln coaxed.

“She said that she didn’t want our daughters to grow up thinking that they had to put up with someone like me, ‘Crappy Men’ she said, men who cheated and lied, she said no one, not even her worst enemy deserved to go through what she had gone through. She read somewhere or heard something about how daughters tended to go for men similar to their fathers and she didn’t want our daughters to have to suffer with a man like me, the way she had suffered. She said that my selfish philandering actions didn’t only break her heart but that it had broken Elle May’s heart and broken Maddy’s heart as well. It had destroyed the relationship between my family and her family. Our divorce meant that her family and my family were also divorced, disconnected, no longer family. She said she felt sorry for me because people like my mother, brothers and sisters could never tell me the truth and had failed me, she said they were scared of me as I was the main bread-winner in the family and they all lived in a house I had bought. She said that they didn’t really care about me or her or our children because whenever one of my brothers had a problem with a wife or girlfriend I always helped mediate but when we had a problem not one of them spoke up or tried to help, that they were all a bunch of hypocrites who knew that my actions would leave me alone in my old age but really hoped that I would die soon so that they could get their hands on my money. She said I gave my siblings money and provided a place for them to live not because I loved them but in order to control them and get them to do exactly what I wanted. When I tried to dismiss her accusations she asked if I remembered the time I didn’t talk to my mother for over four years because of a family disagreement and how none of my siblings wanted to cross me so didn’t intervene and my mother had to plead with people to plead with me to accept her olive branch and talk to her and in the end it was only because she, Clarissa, had said that I had to be wicked and evil to put my mother through all the humiliation of having to plead with people to pled with me, that I eventually called my mother. She said that my siblings didn’t really love me they just wanted what they could get from me and were scared of losing everything I had provided. She said she didn’t hate me or them anymore she just felt sorry for us and prayed that we would know true love one day. She said she felt so sorry for the miserable couples she saw day after day and was so glad she no longer had to put up with me and the consequences of my behaviour.” He stopped talking and stared at his hands but the silence couldn’t hide his words; his words stood in the room, naked, unembellished and demanding to be acknowledged. They made him uncomfortable and anxious.

“How did hearing all of that make you feel?”

“Honestly?”

“Yes, honestly Neil, no lights, no cameras, tell me how hearing that made you feel? It has obviously affected you.”

“I feel like I’m the worst person in the world, like I’ve harmed my children who I love, like I’m the biggest loser in the world.”

“What in particular makes you-?”

Neil jumped up cutting Dr Lincoln off, he walked to a window and looked out, “It’s like the time I worked my arse off for a movie role, I literally starved myself for weeks and I went to the gym and lost 2 stones. I shaved my hair off and gave one hundred and ten percent of my soul. I gave everything there was to give. I sacrificed my family – I missed family birthdays and school plays.” He turned, excitement shone in his eyes. “The critics wrote reviews for weeks about my excellent, ground-breaking performance and said that I was sure to get the award for best supporting actor. My agent said I would get the award, he promised me that award . . .”

“Neil?”

“I had my acceptance speech in the breast pocket of my tuxedo. I’d rehearsed it so many times that I was word-perfect and time-proficient. You know, nominated actors say they don’t mind when the award is given to another nominee, that isn’t true, at least not for me. I minded! In my head that award was mine, it was sitting in my display cabinet, it was going ahead of me opening up doors of opportunities for bigger and better roles – it was everything! When I didn’t get it, it was like I had nothing, I was empty!”

“And, the way you felt when you didn’t get the award is the same way you felt when Clarissa told you what she did?”

“Yes!”

“Why?”

“Why do you think?”

“Neil, you know how this works, you have to tell me what you’re honestly thinking so that I can help you.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry.”

“Tell me the truth.”

Neil nodded, “During our marriage Clarissa was loyal, reliable and completely dependent on me. You know she writes songs, right? Well, when I first met her she was Clarissa Stapleton and she had already written some really good songs, she had a couple of top ten hits and she was studying Music and History at University. She had big dreams, really big dreams but then it was only expected with her father being a really gifted musician and singer and her mother so talented. After we got married and she got pregnant she put her career on hold to work with me on mine – she put her big dreams on the back burner and stoked the embers of my dreams. As the years went by she took care of the girls and our home and allowed me to do whatever I wanted. I got my strength from her weakness and her dependence on me. The more dependent she was the more I felt that I could do what I wanted. When she told me that she was completely over me, stronger without me and putting her and the girls first from now on – I felt like I had nothing, like I was weak, like I was empty. Clarissa was my safety-net, someone I could always go back to when I messed up.” Neil fell onto the couch and hunched forward then dramatically buried his face in his hands. “I’m empty, so empty. I’m so full, so heavy, so overtly burdened with emptiness! What’s the point of carrying on? I might as well end it, that’ll make them regret not giving me the award! I could end it right now and be an icon! I could be a modern day ‘James Dean’ or a ‘Kurt Cobain’, I could go out on top – lights dim but not dead, my movies would be watched again and I could be nominated for awards posthumously.”

Dr Lincoln observed him for a few moments; he was used to Neil and his overtly dramatic ways. He knew that there was a very thin line in Neil’s mind between real life and acting and that sometimes the line became blurred and other times it simply faded into non-existence. He wrote some things down on the notepad then placed the pad on the table next to him and started on the journey of pulling Neil out of his current state of depression. He had an array of actors and singers as patients, he was good at his job and was highly sought after but he had lost an actor a few years ago. The young man had been rejected for a movie role and went on a three day binge of drugs and alcohol (self-medication for depression) and had been found dead in his apartment – contracts for two new movies were found in his un-opened mail. The tragedy had affected Dr Lincoln more than he cared to admit. He focused on Neil, as he did with all his patients, determined never to lose another patient to what he called the evils of fickle-fame, peer-pressured-prestige and un-solicitous-society, again.