Chapter 6 of U Murder U (Suicide)

Conference Room, Large Book Shop in Oxford Street, London 

After an hour and a half of talking to her audience, Anna had opened the floor up to a question and answer session. The questions were coming fast and furiously.

“Is it true that people who talk about wanting to die by suicide are only seeking attention and don’t try to kill themselves?”

Anna shook her head, “No, people who talk about wanting to die by suicide often do go on to kill themselves. Psychiatrists say that when people talk about it, it is often a cry for help and people shouldn’t ignore this cry because some people are actually looking for a way forward, a way through their pain without dying.”

“Does suicide always occur without any warning signs?”

“There are almost always warning signs, we just need to know what to look out for in people,” Anna replied. “You’ll be surprised at the number of parents I’ve spoken to who’ve said that they were completely blindsided, they didn’t see it coming. Parents who’ve said they were completely shocked and distraught at their child’s unprecedented action of suicide. Then you ask them a few pertinent questions and you find out that their son or daughter had started locking themselves in their bedroom and not been communicative for weeks prior to their death. Or the child had been depressed for weeks then suddenly became happy, which is usually when they’ve devised a plan to kill themselves, or a child suddenly starts to give away his or her most prized and treasured possessions. A mother would look back on her intuition and say:

‘I knew that something wasn’t right.

I felt that something was up but I didn’t know what it was’.”

“But surely if someone is intent on killing himself there is nothing you can do to stop him, or are you saying there is?” A man asked.

Anna thought for a few moments, “Yes, I’m saying that suicide can be prevented. Most people who are suicidal do not want to die. You have to understand, it takes a lot for someone to think that there is no way out of their situation, usually they are in so much pain and they just want their pain to stop.”

“Anna . . . , I’m sorry Mrs Lewis, I’m sorry, do I call you Anna Lee or Mrs Lewis? I’m sorry I’m really nervous,” the lady said, her hands were clenched and her feet tapped nervously on the floor.

“Please, call me Anna.”

She took a deep breath then exhaled, “Anna, my fiancé killed himself last year. He got into so much debt trying to pay for our wedding. Kieran . . . that is . . . that was . . . his name wanted me to have a fairytale wedding. He never told me how much money he owed, he never told me that he’d lost his job and that he had debt collectors threatening him. I thought we were so close, I thought that nothing could shake us. But Kieran didn’t tell me a thing about what was going on or how much trouble he was in,” she started to shake. The woman who sat next to her put an arm around her and said something in her ear. “I’m fine Mum,” she said to the woman then turned to Anna, “There were no signs. I didn’t see anything different, I didn’t notice any changes.”

“I am so sorry for your loss. What’s your name?”

“Sandra, ummmm . . . my name is Sandra Nixon.”

“Sandra, you said you didn’t notice anything different about him-”

“Nothing at all,” she shook her head vehemently.

“Did you used to call him at work?”

“Yes, I used to call him every day, why?”

“Did he ever tell you to stop calling him on his work number or to call him on his cell phone – sorry his mobile phone?”

“Yes, two weeks or so before he died he said that he was really busy and not always at his desk, he asked me to call him on his mobile but only if it was urgent, why? How did you know that he told me to do that?”

“Prior to him telling you to only call his mobile, was that normal?”

“Normal? In what way?”

“How long had he worked for his company?”

“About three years.”

“Had he ever, in the time you were together, asked you to do that?”

She thought for a few moments, “No, never, he always used to insist that I call him on his work number during his lunch break because sometimes there was no reception on his mobile phone. He used to joke and say that it was the only way he could get through the rest of the day and that he wouldn’t take one step further into the day unless I called him . . . oh my goodness that was it, I should have seen it, I was so engrossed with the wedding arrangements, I should have seen it!” She gasped and choked back her sobs at the same time.

“Calm down Sandra, please calm down sweetheart,” her mother said as she gathered her sobbing daughter to herself.

Anna tried to move forward to comfort Sandra but found that she couldn’t, for some reason her limbs seem to fail her. She felt a sudden chill then she felt the presence of something strange. Her mouth went dry and her vision became heightened way beyond anything she had ever experienced before. By the time she was able to lift her head and look at the back of the room to where her eyes were drawn she was shaking.

“Are you okay?” She heard someone ask.

“Mrs Lewis, are you okay?”

Anna looked at the back of the room, the little girl dressed in a white dress, bright red woollen hat and matching scarf looked back at her. Anna noted that she was there but not all there physically. She wasn’t an apparition but she seemed to be there and then not there. Anna was scared. She knew that everyone was staring at her, and she couldn’t understand why they weren’t looking at the little girl who was emitting enough light to draw every ones attention.

“Mrs Lewis,” the divisional manager of the bookshop took hold of her arm, “Mrs Lewis, are you okay? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” he joked.

“Who’s that little girl over there? What’s she doing here?” Anna asked him.

He turned, he looked around the room. He didn’t see a little girl, “What girl? I can’t see a little girl, plus this meeting is only for adults so there aren’t any children here. Guests were specifically asked not to bring any children today. I can assure you this is one of the many branches I oversee and I run a very tight ship.”

Confused, she looked at him for a few moments then turned and pointed, “She’s right there.” She froze; the little girl and the bright light were gone.